Jordan thoughts

Relationships

2007-04-04T22:29:00.000-07:00

Relationships are funny. What can start out with so much potential and excitement can end with just a passionless goodbye at the door. And then you wonder, when will I see this person again? When it ends it feels like such a complete end. Sure, there is always talk of "lets be friends" but both people know that it will never work out when what connected them to begin with is so completely broken. And so another person drifts in and out of your life without your permission and then you wonder "what was God trying to teach me? What was that person's purpose in my life?" All those wonderful moments spent together become stretched out forever in your memory. And it becomes clear, that's all there is. All that person meant to you now forever survives in your memory of those moments.

Thank you God for new beginnings. Thank you God for new adventures. These moments in life would be impossible to deal with without them. So, while a big part of me mourns, there is also a hint of excitement. What does God have in store for me next? I can't wait to find out. Meanwhile, I will forever be thankful for the relationship, the lessons learned, and God's hand in it. The adventure goes on.

Blog Reborn

2007-04-01T02:39:00.000-07:00

It's been about a year and a half since I last wrote on this blog. So much has happened in my life during that time it's ridiculous. I don't know why I'm updating the blog now. I'm tired, it's 1:45 in the morning, and I haven't blogged on this thing in over 500 days. I can't tell you non-existant readers why I have decided this to be the hour that the blog becomes reborn. Maybe it has something to do with not being able to find one single pen in my whole entire room, thus ruling out journaling. My life also is somewhat complicated right now. I'm not going to delve too much into specifics but I'm stuck. I still don't know what it is I want to do. Will I ever know? I don't know how many times I've journaled wondering what God has planned for me. It is impossible to count the number of times I have spent a late night wondering my purpose. Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever supposed to know. I mean this in the 100% confident, no doubt in your mind, KNOW. Maybe all that life is is one big journey discovering your purpose. I would not be surprised if on my death bed I had a sudden realization of why I existed. The light bulb will turn on and I will say with my last forced breath "that's why." There are so many things to write about but now I am SO tired. Maybe again soon.

A tough decision...God biased coins?

2005-11-06T21:56:00.000-08:00

After returning from Guatemala in September I felt completely changed by God. I felt like a new person. It was such an amazing spiritual journey for me. I loved the team I went with, I loved the villagers. I felt God's presence every day. There is another team going down in January and I will probably not be going. Before I left for my last trip I had already bought my ticket for Buenos Aires leaving 3 days before the next Cajixay team would leave. Since coming back, I have prayed and asked God, if you want me to change my ticket and go to Cajixay in January, I will do it. I never felt a strong enough call to justify the financial commitment that that trip would take or the prospect of leaving Adam by himself for two weeks in Buenos Aires! I still felt a strong desire in my heart to see the villagers again, to visit that area again, to share another great experience with my team members. However, I also knew that there would be more chances for that, that January was only one trip and there would be many more. I also know, with how much love I feel for everybody there, that I will be back. But it was still a tough decision. For a while I thought I had pretty much made up my mind, that I was not going to go because I did not feel a strong enough call to go back in January specifically. But then I received a few emails from people, and I thought about the team leaving without me and it made me sad thinking I would not be with them. Yesterday, I thought about it most of the day, I prayed about it. At one point I just playfully took a coin and said "ok God, if it's heads I go to Cajixay. If it's tails I stick with the plan." I had no intentions on deciding by flipping a coin but I was desperate. I flipped once, it was tails. I said ok, lets try again. It was tails. Then I was like ok...best of five. The next flip was tails. I prayed again...is that really want you want from me? I flipped again...it was tails. I flipped three more times after that...all the tosses came up tails. This was a little freaky...does God really speak through coin flips? I went down to Adam's room and explained what happened. Amused, he flipped a couple times for me and the coin did the random thing. Probably knowing I can be a bit looney, he probably didn't think very much of it. He went back to doing his homework and I went back upstairs. Of course I was still amazed at my run of trails. I prayed some more, switched coins and tails came up three more times in a row. I went back down and interrupted Adam's homework again to tell him that the coin landed tails for me 10 times in a row now. I went back upstairs, flipped twice more. Both times landed tails. I am not making this story up. I started to get the feeling that maybe, just maybe God was trying to tell me something. Of course I wasn't going to stop there though. I had a run of 12 in a row! I got two heads in a row and decided to stop. The probability of flipping 12 tails in a row by chance is 1/4096. Believe it or not I still was not convinced. Sometimes I think God could slap me across the face and I would think "wow...that was a strong sudden burst of wind!" I refused to decide on coin flips. I thought about it some more and realized I would be an absolutely terrible friend to make Adam go to Buenos Aires for two weeks by himself with no connections (Dani's bro will be in Guatemala). I could not do that to him. I know the team going down to Cajixay will be an awesome team without me so I realized I was needed more in Buenos Aires. Also, knowing that I will have more chances later to go to Guatemala, comforted me. In other words, after feeling very conflicted for a day, I am back on board with the plan. Leaving January 10th for Buenos Aires. Boo ya!

Only 10 weeks away

2005-10-28T14:16:00.000-07:00

In roughly 10 weeks...I will be heading into the unknown. 10 weeks. 10 weeks. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's so exciting and so scary at the same time. I am so glad Adam will be going with me. I can't imagine how much more scary it would be to do it alone! It will be interesting seeing how I feel a few days before departure. I feel almost shaky just thinking about it! Somewhere on the border line between excitement and fear, where it all blurs together, is an absolutely thrilling place to be. It is the way Red feels at the end of the Shawshank Redemption: "I feel I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head...it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at the beginning of a long journey whose ending is uncertain." I don't know if I got that quote exactly right but you get the gist. What an amazing feeling...its the feeling that happens when taking risks without thinking about the results. Its about jumping without thinking about if you'll be able to fly or not, just trusting that God will give you wings if you need them (this is a metaphor...please don't try jumping off any cliffs!).

Mind in Overdrive

2005-08-05T20:16:00.000-07:00

My mind is focused on the here and now about roughly 1.2% of the time right now. It is currently caught in the middle of the big questions of life with my daily "real world" school stuff mixed in. The big question I find myself asking lately is should I make the jump? It's one thing to accept Jesus into your heart but it's another thing to live life completely committed to following him. To trust in him completely. Right when I feel like I'm at that stage, doubt creeps in. It whispers to me "what if you commit yourself to following something that doesn't exist? What if this life is all you have? What if there is no eternity, no happily ever after, no light at the end of the tunnel, but only now?" If this life is all I have than I better start living like it. That would involve making everything about me. That would involve doing what I wanted to do when I felt like it. That would involve trying to find happiness over and over again.

But then, what is happiness? I'm sure all have experienced happiness in their lives. But there is one thing about earthly happiness that I've noticed, it doesn't last. You get some cool technological gadget and it's fun for a little while but then you get bored of it. You get a raise and it feel great for a little bit, but then you get accumstomed to it. You start a beautiful relationship with somebody and it's great at the beginning but eventually you get used to them. If there is no true lasting happiness, why do I long for the happily ever after? If I were to totally give up on God, I'm sure I would spend the rest of my life looking for happily ever after and I bet that I would never find it. My life would consist of building up fortunes, finding ms. right, and developing the perfect family. Overall, that could be a happy life to be sure, but happily ever after? I don't think so. Even if Ms. Right pans out, the kids would eventually leave and start their own lives. My body would grow old and weary with the passing of time. As I approached death, I would realize that all the fortunes that I built up, all the property I owned, everything I spent my life working for, I would not be able to take with me. And if life was just a random happening of evolution and there was no God, no heaven, no hell, than my loving wife and kids would be lost to me as I slipped into nonexistence. What a sad story!

On the other hand, what if there was such a thing as happily ever after? What if God exists and I choose to follow Him and to trust completely in Him? What if I was able to release all my burdens and give them to God? This is a much better alternative to be sure. All my happiness would come from doing his will. I would lean completely on him for everything I needed. I would not consume myself with money or greed. I would not worry about finding Ms. Right or living an empty life. In fact, I would not worry at all for God knows whats best and I would follow him faithfully. My life would be filled with adventure, wondering what God had in store for me around the corner. Everywhere I looked I would see not regular occurences but little miracles. As I started to wrinkle and my bones began to wither away, I would become overcome with joy as I inched closer to my eternal home with my eternal father. But...then the doubt creeps in again. "But what if it's all in vain? What if I choose to follow Him and none of it is true?" That is where I'm at spirtually right now. I'm at a crossroads. For anybody who reads this, please pray for me, that I can overcome my doubts.

Estoy muy cansado

2005-07-22T12:26:00.000-07:00

A stillness fills my soul. My eyelids feel the weight of the whole world on top of them. My eyes start to close. I jolt myself awake with all the will I can muster. My body tries to resist but I won't let it shut down. I won't let it give up. I must stay awake! I can do it! There's only 100 minutes of class left! My eyelids start to buckle. My eyes begin to gently roll up and...I jolt myself awake. I refuse to give in. 100 minutes later class is over and...I have to work in one hour. If I take a nap I fear I will not wake up in time. Instead I decide to mess around on the computer and type this sleepy story. A 4.5 hour work shift awaits me. After that it will be getting too late for naps...a nap will interfere with my sleep cycle. Sleep cycles are overrated. If sleep cycles worked I wouldn't be typing this totally sleep-deprived jargon stuff. Dang it! I am determined to get through the day and despite my sleepiness, have a very good day. I will conquer. I will soar with eagles. I will swim with fishes. And I will jump with kangaroos.

I blame my sleepiness on my stupid active brain. I can't remember what I was thinking about last night. I think it was a billion things rolled into one. I don't remember really getting any sleep, if I did it was very shallow sleep, and I woke up about a billion times. Doesn't my brain know when to shut up? I even tried counting backwards from 1000 and I would get to 990 and my brain would go off thinking about something else. I would catch it and then about 985 it would go off again. I don't think I ever got to 1. I think my brain got too distracted. oh well. AAH! I'm thinking negatively! I can't wait until work! Today is going to be a wonderful beautiful day! I will conquer, and umm...do all the stuff I already stated. Yes! Life is a highway!
Coming my way! All night long! err....all day long!

Ideas for lyrics

2005-07-15T15:17:00.000-07:00

These are ideas from after watching Hotel Rwanda....

Sunny day
Blue sky
Seventy degrees
Outside
beatiful field
theres a dove
what perfect proof
of god's love

Bloody day
Bloody sky
Bloody corpses
outside
bloody field
bloody dove
...man don't deserve love

Or

Sunny day
Blue sky
bloody grass
people die

why is this?
why are people
killed for such
arbritrariness

.........................

We are more than Injuns
We are more than black
we are more than a means
for something you lack

We are more than tutsi
We are more than jew
We are more than somebody
different from you

I belong to this group
you belong to that group
(to be continued)

GAME 7

2005-06-23T17:05:00.000-07:00

This is what it is all about. After 9 grueling months of basketball, the NBA championship will come down to a single game. This has not happened in 11 years. It is the moment that every basketball fan dreams for. People have argued that this NBA finals is less exciting than previous finals, that this finals is less interesting. However, I think this is the most intriguing finals I have ever seen! Here are the 2 most intriguing story lines heading into the final game:

1. The heart of a champion:

I am in awe of the Detroit Pistons. There is no better way to describe it. They simply refuse to be knocked out, no matter what the odds. I don't think there is any sane basketball fan that can confidentally pick the Spurs to win game 7. The Pistons have been in this situation too many times before and come out on top. The team is made up of outcasts. These were guys that had been passed over too many times. Consider their top 6 players. Their heart and soul of the team (Ben Wallace) was undrafted and was knocked around the league before landing on the Pistons. 22 guys were selected ahead of Tayshaun Prince. Chauncey Billups played on 5 different teams in 6 years before becoming the clutch PG for the Pistons. MJ decided Richard Hamilton was not good enough to help the Wizards reach the playoffs. Rasheed Wallace was a perceived trouble maker who did not seem to care that much. The Trailblazers tried repeatedly to trade him. Antonio McDyess' career was considered over after a billion operations on his knee before the Pistons took a chance on him. HOW IS THIS TEAM ON THE VERGE OF WINNING BACK-TO-BACK CHAMPIONSHIPS? This team has no stars. Their best player can barely get 10 points per game. This team is pure hustle, pure heart. In the last 3 years this team is 14-1 in elimination games. When faced with elimination over the past 3 years, they are 8-1. They simply will not be knocked out. That is why I predict the Pistons will win this game.

2. The legacy of Tim Duncan

Before the series started (and especially after the first 2 games) there was a lot of talk about where Tim Duncan ranked on the list of the all-time great power forwards. The general concensus was in the top 2. My oh my, how things change. After his team got humiliated in games 3 and 4 and after he choked in critical moments of games 5 and 6, TD's legacy took a hit. But, if the Spurs win game 7 and he has a big game and an even bigger 4th quarter, all of a sudden he will be considered the best PF to ever play the game. There is a lot riding on the TD legacy in this game. No matter how he performs in this game, he will still be considered a great player. However, with this one game, he can become a legend. He has to find a way to fight through the enormous pressure on his shoulders and carry the Spurs to the title. If he does this, he will prove to not only be the best player in the game today, but he will become the stuff of legends.

Game 7 is almost here. I can't wait to witness the NBA history ready to be made. All I know is this. Somebody will step up. There will be heroes and there will be goats. This is a game that every player dreams of and every fan dreams of witnessing. It's time. Let the game begin.

Lotta Rambling - it's not like anybody reads this anyway

2005-06-06T00:05:00.000-07:00

Watching movies is one of my favorite activities. To me, it is not just about entertainment. It is about discovering the inner-workings of my soul. What moves me? What inspires me? What kind of person do I want to be? What desires has god written on my heart? (note: I may have stolen some of these thoughts from the book Wild at Heart). I have discovered that sometimes I feel nostalgic for places I have never been to, places that don't exist, and eras that were way before my time. Why do I feel nostalgic for these things? Why do I wish with all my heart that middle earth was real? Why do I long for the days before electricity or autmobiles?

Switching gears...what have I discovered about myself? What bores me? What moves me? What makes me feel alive. This is the best answer I've got:

Participating in mindless conversation with a group of people bores me. There are too many "empty conversations filled with empty words." People always ask me the same question. What's your major? What year are you? Where do you live? Where are you from? The most common one is of course, how are you? These questions get asked so much that I have a standard set answer every time somebody asks. They are just empty words. For aquaintances this is far too ofen the depth of the conversation. At times like this i think: "there must be more to life than this" Not once, has anybody ever asked me, "What makes you come alive?" I tell you what...if somebody ever asked me this, they would see a twinkle in my eye and a smile on my face as I try to describe it. To be fair, I don't think I've ever asked this question either. I think I will turn this into my standard question I ask people when I'm getting to know them. I will get a glimpse of their soul and that's excting conversation. That's what it's all about.

I tell you what, routine bores the hell out of me. It becomes so automatic, so mindless. I don't think there was one movie I liked that involved routine. Well...maybe groundhog day...but that movie wasn't about routine. I want adventure. I want excitement. Everyday, as I attend my same classes, go to work, bla bla bla, it is all the same. I try the best I can to make it as exciting and interesting as possible but I know deep down that I was not meant for routine. I'm not the sort of blok that will enter a career after college, have that job for 40 years, make lots of money, retire, and then die. I refuse to believe that that is all that will become of my life. I want to travel, I want to build great intimate relationships with people, and I want to be active in a revolution of love. I want to stand for what I believe in, no matter what the costs.

I have no doubt that god gave me some if not all of these desires. Throughout high school I was obsessed with making money. I tried to think of new inventions, tried to come up with ideas, thought about careers that could make me good money, but after seeking god in college, my heart was changed. I have absolutely NO desire to make money now just for the sake of having money. Instead of thinking about what I want to spend MY money on or what to save MY money for, I think of the best use for the money I have to best serve people and of course god. In the past few weeks I have been surprised at my desires to give. These are not desires I have always had. I am saving a lot of money for my S. America trip because it feels like god is calling me there. At the same time I find myself trying to figure out the best ways to give some of the money I saved up based on what god wants. What is the best way to split up GOD's money? This is a question I find myself asking lately. BLA BLA BLA...I'm writing this entry to get thoughts in order and all that, disconver things about myself, and if somebody actually reads this mess of thoughts, so be it.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2005-05-27T17:47:00.000-07:00

I am officially 21. You know what that means, paaaaarrrrrtttttyyyy! Anybody who knows me, knows I am being semi-sarcastic. Believe it or not, I have never drank before, and I defenitely don't plan on going crazy now just because I'm 21. I'm just going out to a nice dinner with my family and I will order 1 drink and that's all.

Warning...Jordan thought ahead

I think drinking to get drunk is just plain stupid. What's the point if you have a good time but don't remember it? Also, while it may be enjoyable at the time, what does it accomplish in the big scheme of life. That's right...absolutely nothing.

It has just come to my attention that my sister has a "neurological problem" That was completely random but she just told me. Nothing serious.

Anyways...yeah. Let the paaaarrrrttttyyy begin. Or something like that.

First entry

2005-04-29T01:57:00.000-07:00

I don't know how long this blog will last. I am more excited about my other blog. That one is dedicated to the South America trip a friend and I will take after we graduate in December. We'll see what comes of this blog. If it turns out to be anything like my last blog at mindsay, I will say a lot for a while and then get sick of it. However, I'm determined not to get sick of the other blog, especially after that trip starts. We need some way to document our journey! Anyways...I'm tired...its bed time.